Some time last week I saw a tweet. I cannot find it for the life of me, nor do I remember the exact wording.
The gist was that there is a theory that somewhere out there you are living alternative lives based on other decisions you have made; that somewhere, in the stratosphere, many different incarnations of who you are happen to be are living different paths based on one small different choice, one small different decision.
And I wonder how those people are living.
We all come to crossroads.
There are so many moments in our lives where we make crucial decisions, small or large, that change our path and our circumstance; ones that shape where we go and how every day goes.
Those decisions shape what happens after we pour our morning coffee, when we step outside, how things will evolve and shape the day when we close our eyes and carry on with the next day of our lives.
This week, more than ever, I wonder how Dwan is living in those alternative universes.
Guilt is a heavy thing.
I have spent my time wondering how one simple decision, one simple choice, could have sent my life and my path in a different direction.
And it is hard.
How happy is Dwan in my alternative universe? Dwan who said yes months before, who took a chance, and who was ready, willing and did not close off and be unfair?
I imagine she is happy.
I imagine she is actually the happiest she has been, curled up tonight and falling asleep without doubt and breathing in the reality of how perfect tonight is while she tucks in.
I imagine she is living where and what I should be if I was not so difficult, stubborn and damaged.
And I imagine her heart is not telling her that if she had just not been unreasonable her fate might not have been altered and she might have finally been living in the universe she has hoped for and wanted for so long.
If there is anything I want you all to know it is take the chance.
Let your guard down and do not be afraid of what tries to let itself in.
Do not leave it up to your alternative selves to be the ones who are living happiness and who are taking the risks and chances to bring that happiness to you.
Tuck your fears aside, because not making that one decision could be detrimental.
Take it from me - take the risk. When something is in front of you that is good and real, take it.
Let the walls down.
I think the guilt will always be a cloak I wear now.
I will always have the "what if."
I keep hoping this universe is the one where everything works out and the cliche of what is meant to be will be.
I do not often believe in cliches.
There are clearly a few directions the past few weeks could have gone in. I keep remembering being told that there are a million decisions that could have been made, a million ways things could have gone but in the end what matters is the result of now.
But now I look and know that my decisions are the ones that have caused a pain that hurts in places I never knew hurt could live.
It is my fault and I am sorry.
"Cause it took such a heavy light to find you in the first place,
Through all that rain and remaining fog..."
And yet, I was too blind to see through it. That is my punishment to bear.
For now it is a matter of hope.
I hope this universe is the one where it all works out.
"Watching detectives chase the one that got away..."