Over the years it was a song I always felt connected to and, after the last year (or more), there would be pieces every time I would hear it that seemed to jump out and address a particular situation.
This past week I was asked on multiple occasions, by multiple people, what my "speak soon, stay lucky" (the last lines of the song) tattoo meant.
How do you put into words that type of connection?
Well, here, I'll try:
"It took so long to get me back on my feet,
It takes so long to find the words and the beat..."
These past few years have been a constant tire fire. 2020 has actually been a reprieve. Yes, you have read that correctly. I lost myself. And I lost a lot of who I was.
It took work and a lot of it.
But I'm back on my feet.
Music has always been like therapy to me.
Every time I would find myself hurting, in a hole, it was music I turned to. I can thank my dad for that. He always taught me that there is a song for everything.
"And it feels like all you'd have to do is step outside,
Stop pacing around and waiting for some moment that might never arrive..."
And I waited.
I waited on promises that never came true.
I waited on things dangled in front of me, like a hungry child, that never materialized.
I trusted people that I should not have.
Wouldn't it be so easy if we could just step outside and walk away from what plagues us? Alas...
"Nothing feels right in the winter and cold,
Steam, heat, clang and the dark at your door,
All the other rooms are a party tonight,
And you never got an invitation.
And you feel it in your bones, steady aching some more,
Twenty-five years gone about an hour ago,
Mama never told me there'd be days like these,
'Til it was much too late to recover..."
They were long months, and long winters.
I had dedicated my life to certain paths that seemed to be dead ends now, and that was hard.
Sacrifices, all in vain.
I got through with the love of some amazing people who talked, hugged, fed and cared for me. Every one of you mean the world to me.
But there is the chorus, the one part of the song that has always hit me where it hurts but in the most positive way.
"But you're never gonna find it,
Like when you were young and everybody used to call you 'Lucky'..."
These past couple of years I have struggled with where I have been and having to say goodbye to expectations.
When I was young they called me "lucky."
Lucky to be:
Smart
Athletic
Pretty
Loud
Outspoken
Funny
Lucky.
And I have been lucky.
Very.
So, I set goals for myself. Expectations. And then, there hits the realization that none of that is to be and those expectations have to be tempered.
And all of that potential that everyone groomed and praised is gone to waste so you had might as well accept where you are now.
But you are still lucky.
Just in a different way.
Those words inked on my chest, "speak soon, stay lucky," are the final words in the song but remind me that they're not the final words to my story.
And every day they remind me that I am still lucky and I do have a lot to look forward to.
That tattoo speaks to me like the song and, on days when I need a boost or reminder,
"It's right here in case you need it,
Like when you were young and everybody used to call you 'Lucky'..."
And there are a lot of times when I do need it.
So, there it is.
And a reminder to us all that when we have those bouts, when it feels like it is "much too late to recover," it never is.
It might take some time and more strength than you think you have, but you can recover.
And, when "it feels like you just might explode inside, you've been pacing around and waiting for some moment that might never arrive at all..." remember that there is a way out.
Do not be afraid to lean on those around you because I promise they are happy you are here.
There is a lesson to be learned in the line that says, "What you don't have, you don't need it anymore..."
I think sometimes that one is the hardest to accept.
Maybe what you thought you should have by now is not what is in the cards.
Maybe there is better.
If 2020 and 38 are any indication, the best is yet to come.
And on those days when things seem overwhelming and bad there are always little things that we should remember make us lucky.
I know I have been focusing on that.
And this year has brought me some things that have made me feel luckier than I ever have.
Sometimes you just have to move the goalposts.
So, my friends, have a great evening and, I know I have not written here in a while, so I'll try to make a habit of being around more...
"Speak soon, stay lucky."
