"A simple souvenir of someone's kill..."

"And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me..."

Night time was our time.

We were done with work, meetings, conference calls, board meetings, volunteer Zooms, soccer and hockey and the gym.

And we would collapse on our big teal couch to turn on the TV to some British murder mystery and laugh as we told each other about our day.

But now the night brings the end of the day's push push push and everything that acts as cement to keep me together and keeps me going.

"I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing..."

And I wake up every morning trying to catch my breath.

I try to drag you from those dreams into my morning so you would be here again, snoring on your pillow as I roll over and hug you awake rather than me waking up, drenched and sweaty, holding your pillow that no doubt misses you like I do.

"And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty..."

I am.

I am afraid to sleep.

I am afraid you will not be there and that is the only reprieve I get from not having you on this earthly coil.

You are there most nights.

But the nights when you are not there I spend my dreaming hours looking, searching, wanting to find you.

"I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
How I'm breaking down..."

Someone save my life tonight.

"Like the sea
I'm constantly changing from calm to hell..."

Anxiety holds my chest hostage to the point where I can never tell if I'm losing my breath, succumbing to anxiety or if it is a heart attack.

In my current state I expect the probability of each to be as equal as can be.

Tomorrow. 

"Someone come and
Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
All the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be? This misery will suffice..."

Maybe the misery will suffice.

Maybe it will be the fuel I need to keep going.

Maybe I need to just set myself to get wrecked by what this is going to take and take from the energy reserves that I do not have.

But I need to find them.

I need to replenish them.

I will be there.

And I will draw from depleted reserves to make sure I stand tall.

"Madness fills my heart and soul
As if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down..."

But I will break down in my own house.

I will remain and I will be strong.

I will see it out.

And I am ready.

"Despite the overwhelming odds tomorrow came..."

Another week.

20 without you now.

Paint and plaster and picking colours while making sure at least one room is Dulux Dusky Dawn like your house was, wall to wall, ceiling to floor.

Dusky Dwan, you said.

Days moving on like nobody else in the world realizes it had stopped revolving when your breath stopped.

And I keep going.

"On the edges of the sharpest knives,

In the middle of the darkest nights,

Always knew that I would find you here,

In a puddle of the bravest tears..."

I keep trying to just push forward without you.

Drawing from energy reserves that do not exist while just trying to keep going going going.

You would have said I was crazy.

This decision to step forward was not easy.

Jokes of, "What else do I have to do now?"

Wanting to just do some good in this world that I can be taken from as instantly as you were.

"Above the crowd,

Feet dangling from a rooftop.

She waits from ledges

For a voice talk her down..."

I caught a glimpse of myself in an escalator at convention two weeks ago.

I asked myself who that was in the mirror.

I barely recognized myself yet could not remember a time when I was anything but whatever this shell is now.

"When faced with tragedy,

We come alive or come undone..."

I've made a decision, one that would have had you giving me that smirk of yours, telling me I'm crazy but that you believed in me.

One that would have had you shaking your head, laughing that hearty laugh when I told you and saying, "Of course you are."

I do not have expectations.

But I have seen what is possible and how glass ceilings can be shattered.

So I will try.

This is a heavy week.

Phone calls and campaigning and meetings and court dates.

Tomorrow I'm adopting Stanley.

I know we said no more dogs but I think you would like him.

He's gentle, he's loving and his life was turned upside down too.

"Find yourself before the sadness came," you said to her in a dream she had about you asking to give me my oversized red and black plaid jacket - my ass-kicking jacket - as you said you had to go now.

I wish you had never had to go.

But I will try.

I do not think I will ever find her again but I can try to find some version of her.

Tomorrow I will try to lace up my running shoes for the first time since you were stolen and instead of running away I will try to run head-first into it all.

"And sometimes you have to go back,

To know just where you have been..."

I will try to find her even though I know I cannot go back, no matter how hard I have tried and still try.

And I will keep trying to make you proud, to show you that maybe my crazy can pay off and I can make a bit of difference in this world - like you tried to do, every living day.

Nothing is the same without you here and it is not the space in this room that makes it so empty - it is the fact that you are not here to share it with me.

Dusky Dawn on the living room walls, your pinup on the wall that you had wanted so bad and I gave you that first Xmas.

Her fist clenched in a moment of power.

You said she reminded you of me.

I hope I can keep making you proud and keep breaking down walls.

"Nothing matters when the pain is all but gone,

When you are finally awake,

Despite the overwhelming odds tomorrow came..."

And tomorrow will come.

One more day without you and one more day closer to 21 weeks.

And though I will never be the same again I just just promise you I will try to channel something of what I once was.

What you made me.

And I will carry you with me every step of the way.