19th Nervous Breakdown

"You're the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs,
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs.
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years,
And though you've tried you just can't hide your eyes are edged with tears..."

I'm so tired.

Today I was at work, thinking constantly of those on the southwest coast who have dealt with so much devastation over the past few days, my heart breaking as we try to pursue all avenues and try to help.

Help.

That is all I have ever wanted to do.

I look at my own situation and decide that if nothing else I can put my energy into helping.

There are those who have helped me.

"You better stop, look around.
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes,
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown..."

And on top of it all the house renovations are behind after having to go to a second painter after dishing out money after money to the first without results.

Two weeks have turned to three weeks.

I have not slept in my bed since April.

I have not been able to wash my clothes since July 31st.

I have not had a microwave since July 31st.

And every day there are excuses and more reasons.

I am tired.

Then Stanley got out.

Someone came to buy the mattress set I was selling to try and make some money because I am drowningdrowningdrowning and after being told by my contractor, because I could not be home and was at work, that they needed to watch the dog they watched him slip by their legs and said nothing.

When they were leaving and he asked if anyone had seen the dog they said, non-chalantley, "Yeah he went outside earlier."

Panic.

Crying and driving home while I called Sheena who has saved my life so many times and somehow keeps her head about her as I lose it over and over and over.

Then a text telling me I should have been at home watching my dog.

Yes I should have been.

I should be a lot of things and I should do a lot of things but I am barely keeping my head above water and trying all I can with everything I can.

Another reminder that I am not enough.

"Oh, who's to blame, that girl's just insane,
Well nothing I do don't seem to work,
It only seems to make matters worse, oh please..."

I am really trying.

I am just not used to life being this way or being treated this way.

These past few weeks have been an inhumane practice of how humans can treat other humans.

I was never raised to treat people in that way so I have had no concept of how it is or how it feels.

I am just so, so tired.

And when the thought of Stan being lost or hurt enters my mind panic ensues and I feel like something bad is going to happen to him no matter how hard I try.

I should have been at home watching my dog.

And I feel inadequate.

Brad never made me feel that way.

For once in my life someone made me feel like enough.

And I feel like I am back to being a scrap of a human constantly clawing at every day, every thing to make it to the next day.

I cannot find a break and at this point I am not sure I deserve one.

"You were always spoiled with a thousand toys but still you cried all night..."

I have not been spoiled or privileged but I know I have not had it hard.

And so many more do now.

I just want to help.

As my own heart sinks further and further into its acceptance of whatever this life now is.

I just wish he was here.

I know these feelings would not exist if he was here.

And every day is another exercise in crawlingcrawlingcrawling and climbingclimbingclimbing as one step ahead equals two steps back.

I hate it here.

"Here it comes,
Here it comes..."

And I have no choice but to accept it.

"It's just your nineteenth nervous breakdown..."

I Coulda Been a Contender

His sister gets married tomorrow.

I remember the day we were on the back porch in the sun when he took the call and came back to say, "Jenine is engaged!"

We talked about our own wedding.

On our second night together he looked at me and said, "Will I have to get another wedding ring? I had a deadly wedding ring."

And ever since we were so excited to have him suited up in the wedding party and to celebrate her finding her love.

He was supposed to walk her down the aisle.

We talked about how he would be in the wedding party so I would watch Colton.

We were both so happy and we couldn't wait.

Now he won't be there.

And I won't be there.

No longer invited.

To say my heart broke over and over again is an understatement.

I cannot put into words what this feels like.

I have never felt so hurt in my whole life.

And let me tell you - 

I have experienced hurt.

I have experienced the worst that has left me down on my knees wondering why this was the hand I was dealt.

But not with Brad.

Brad made me feel loved.

Like I was enough.

That what I was was not an anomaly and it was okay.

He loved me for everything I was;

The broken, disregarded pieces of what I was.

He loved it all.

And I felt that.

I felt more confident than I ever had and for once I felt like I could be me, everyone else be damned.

"I ain't pageant material,

The only Crown is in my glass,

They won't be handin' me a sash..."

I'm so tired.

I'm sick of trying to keep peace and be the punching bag,

"And that's okay, cause there's no way,

You'll ever see me in a swimsuit on a stage..."

I just can't be quiet any more.

"I ain't exactly Ms. Congenial..."

I have never spoken up.

I could not.

I was not raised that way and respect was something that was always drilled into me no matter the situation.

Be the bigger person.

"Sometimes I talk before I think, I try to fake it but I can't,

I'd rather lose for what I am than win for what I ain't..."

But I'm done not being me and holding back.

I am not responsible for rebuilding the bridges I did not break.

I hope it is beautiful.

My heart is in a million pieces.

And I do not have the tools to even begin to stick handle this much hurt.

I am just here.

And tomorrow nothing changes for me but so many move on.

And it damn well hurts.

"It's heads or tails and heart attacks and broken dreams tonight..."

Dreams.

I keep having these dreams now.

One day I have a dream where Brad calls me and he is still alive, just horribly injured after the accident so he will not see anyone and just wants everyone to think he did not survive.

The second we are getting married on a Wednesday and I am going around preparing, getting things together, but telling everyone I am not sure he will go ahead with it because he is so injured after the accident and does not want to be seen.

I wake up thinking it is all okay and just a misunderstanding and I can call him now and at least we will talk even if I cannot see him.

I miss his voice.

There is an ad that plays on VOCM in the mornings when I am listening to Open Line that says the first thing you forget about someone is their voice.

It plays a voicemail over and over and over.

It is sponsored by MADD.

How fitting.

I listen to his voicemail over and over and over.

"This is Brad. I can't come to the phone right now."

And for a second I almost leave him a message like I used to, telling his to get his ass home because supper is waiting and I am waiting and I just want to kiss his face off.

And he would usually call the second he got it and say, "Hi there."

Hi.

"What are you doing?"

Missing you.

And I guess nothing has changed because in your absence I am missing you.

It is Wednesday.

You should be on a soccer executive board call if soccer is over.

Is it over now?

I don't even know.

If it isn't you would be driving back home with Colton and I would be asking you to pick a Hello Fresh meal and have it waiting when you got home.

I got a renewal request from Hello Fresh yesterday.

They can't understand why I canceled.

Because you died.

And I don't need to eat much anymore beyond something meagre to keep me alive.

My new appliances are sitting in the living room.

I know we would still be looking for people to help move them but we would be doing it together.

Trying to install the microwave together.

Picking out colours together.

Your sister is getting married this week.

You were going to walk her down the aisle because your dad can't but now you can't and I can't imagine how that feels.

I could not wait to see all of your friends and to have so much fun with you.

But now you won't be there and I won't be there because I'm no longer invited.

I think I have cried more this week than I have in a while.

They warn you about the secondary losses.

And I am just tired.

I sleep - medicated sleep - last night for 10 hours - but I am never rested.

How can I be rested when you were my restful place?

You were the place where I could be comfortable and know there was never anything you wanted me to change or anything you were not proud of.

I keep trying to make you proud but that is getting harder as my will gets lower.

I feel so tired and defeated.

I know grief comes in waves and this is likely just one more tsunami without a name that I must, as my dad would tell me he did with every boat in a storm, turn my back to it and jog it out, but sometimes it feels so overwhelming.

I miss you and I just don't know what to do about that.

So I will go now.

I will go, turn on the TV, cuddle with Stanley and tell him about you.

And I just wait for the quiet.

Where I can remember your voice and miss it and that smile you would give me every night as you said, "Nite nite."

"But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness,

Like a heartbeat, drives you mad.

In the stillness of remembering what you had.

And what you lost."