Old Haunts

Everything is so heavy and dark now.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I didn't even have cards. I was the one who always bought the cards, kept track of every occasion and made sure we were good. Brad always joked that I was the memory and list keeper in the relationship.

I had to go get cards.

So I went to Shopper's Drug Mart and every fucking card I picked up said, "from the both of us!"

And I started to sweat. I stood in line, sweat running down my whole body like a shower, my heart rate at about 190.

I got the car and cried.

I forgot a card for his nan.

I couldn't go back.

I needed gas.

Of course the receipt at the pump didn't print so I had to go inside and dropped everything I picked up until I had a panic attack and had to run to the car.

Every time I leave the house now I have to pass by where he died.

I can see the remnants of a tarp that is still there.

A post marking the scene.

And it's like he dies every single day.

That night comes flooding back and I'm back to standing in the arrivals area of the airport telling his mom something is wrong because Brad is not here and he has always been here.

And he's not here.

Just a tarp and post the only reminders of his last moments breathing.

I sit in the car, look at the hood and dash and think about how it all caved around him.

And broke him.

And I can barely breathe.

The houses we were looking at all have SOLD signs now.

And I have to do those things we looked forward to, so much, alone.

I hate this.

And it's really hard to believe in anything right now but if anything outside of this life exists that aligned this, just know I hate it too.

I've thought a lot.

I was never truly happy in life until he walked into my life at that arena.

And he made me smile every day after, even when we would have minor arguments we talked it out and it ended in smiles.

Our life together was full of smiles.

I love his smile.

And now there is no "Hi there!" where I come home.

No impromptu dinners downtown just because he felt like it.

"We should have a nice dinner before you go," he had said.

So we threw on hoodies and jeans and ate messy burgers not knowing it would be the last time for everything.

No crawling into bed and hearing him get cozy as I tell him, "No one on earth loves getting into bed more than you."

No middle of the night kiss when we'd both wake up because we're shit sleepers.

Sleep is even rarer now.

And when I do the dreams are convoluted and I can't find Colton's jacket and I look for you to find it but you're gone there too.

Sometimes you're there.

And when I wake up I hate every second because I just wanted to stay there with you for one more minute and hear your voice talking mundane day-to-day things everyone takes for granted.

I feel like I'm haunted now.

Everything keeps moving and moving on.

Except me.

I choose to think my life stopped when your heart did.

"Instantly," the report says.

The dashboard against your big heart and it having the power I thought nothing did - the power to make your love of this life end.

I knew something was wrong.

I just didn't know the whole world had crashed and burned.

And now we're all collateral damage.