Tuesday's Gone

"Train roll on,
On down the line..."

Another day is nearly over. Another court date, another two month wait, another agonizing morning of sitting behind callousness and disregard while trying to keep it together.

I am blessed with the best friends.

Beth came with me this morning. She drove me, chatted with me, distracted me, loved me.

Last night Mel, Rhonda, John, Jon and Karen made sure I had a Xmas tree when I had said I wasn't feeling much like Xmas this year. I don't have any of my ornaments - any of those sentimental ornaments that mark so many moments that are now likely gone forever, no chance of getting them back, in a box with OUR tree ornaments - but they made sure I had something.

And I don't know how I would be here without any of them.

"Please take me far away..."

I would rather be anywhere than here.

I would rather be back on that beach in Jamaica where we made so many plans.

I would rather be back on the Fox Island Trail as we hiked it again, laughing about the first time we had tried, both of us too stubborn to turn back when the snow was at our waists.

I would rather be at The Bigs with wings and cider (only dry wings, Tex Mex, sauce on the side because you knew that trick from working there).

I would rather be on our couch with you on the other end, a book in both of our laps as we work our way through them, glancing up every now and then to blow a kiss or ask if the other is hungry.

I would rather be wherever you are.

"Now I feel the wind blow,
Outside my door..."

The snow is falling and I find it so hard to believe that there was so much sun, warmth, summer days, and you've missed them all.

You should have been here.

There should have been more days biking those trails together.

There should have been more fires on Topsail Beach.

There should have been a lot but it was all stolen.

"And I don't know,
Oh,
Where I'm going.
I just want to be
Left alone..."

It takes so much energy to just be now.

Just be.

I sit in silence a lot when I come home, those hourlong baths you never complained about, hours on the couch just staring into nothing.

Because nothing is what it feels like I have now.

I know I have Stanley, I have my family, I have my friends, I have this house -

But it feels like I have nothing.

"When this trains ends,
I'll try again..."

And I try.

I try every single day.

I get through it all, somehow, but every day seems to take something and I am not sure when there will be no more somethings left to take.

So much has changed.

There is an anxiousness now where the peace you brought me existed.

There is a brokenness where you made me feel whole.

There is a void in this world that was left when you were taken.

And none of it is ever coming back.

And the early darkness now feels fitting since the sun has not been able to penetrate any part of my life since that night.

"The train roll on,
Many miles from my home..."

Everything keeps rolling.

Except wherever I am.

I feel stuck.

It has almost been 8 months and the fatal blows feel as fresh as they did that night when I realized you weren't coming home anymore.

Home.

You were home and I am homesick.

"Well Tuesday you see,
Oh, she had to be free..."

I guess everything has to end and every life closes.

But not like this.

Not like that.

"Tuesday's gone,
With the wind..."

The winds howling down my chimney remind me that the seasons have changed and time has simply moved on without you.

I have not.

Though so much and so many move on without me.

Like I have never existed.

And that kind of hurt is not something I can even put into words.

I am just thankful for those who have stayed, though some who have left have broken my heart in ways that are indescribable, insurmountable and just damn cruel.

And I just know how angry you would be to see all of this now.

Creation of a narrative.

Erasure.

No consideration for destroying a heart and a life.

I hope they're all happy with what they have created.

But I guess that is just it, isn't it?

People will always look out for themselves and not care who they stomp to the death to do it.

It's cold now.

And you're missing it.

I know you hated the cold since your days in Fort McMurray.

"Tuesday's gone,
With the wind..."

Yet nothing can blow away this pain and how it feels to have every single aspect of life and future stripped, removed, broken.

Nothing.

But

"Somehow I got to carry on."

Somehow.

"Tuesday's gone,
With the wind.

My baby's gone,
With the wind..."