Thinking out loud.

If there is anything I could be accused of and humbly agree with, it is, and has always been, overthinking. For far too long I have spent days and nights in my own head, sleepless, with all of those open-ended questions.

There is that ADHD fun thing where the wheels keep spinning like an out of control ferris wheel that sometimes loses its footing and spins off into the sunset, on fire.

I have always been somewhat good at calming the wildness of my brain. If anything, I have handled catastrophe with a sense of Zen that rivals Buddha.

But it is when the day winds down and the calmness sets in that the voice in my head says, 

" HEY YOU! LET'S SIT AND REVIEW EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID, DONE AND FAILED AT TODAY, YESTERDAY, LAST WEEK AND TWENTY YEARS AGO!"

I know I am not alone.

You know, had someone asked me to draft a 2024 bingo card when this year turned the page on the calendar I think I would have failed miserably.

This year rolled in quietly, forlornly, dismally.

How could it have been any different, really?

But oh, how the tide changed.

And these days I sit, look around at the changes that are still chaos, a whirlwind, and ask how this is my life - in a much different light than I had asked the same question for so long.

Last night, floating on the bay, on water like glass, looking out across the bay and taking in the evening, I looked over - memorizing every detail of his face as he looked over the same bay and was reminded that so much of where I am, this year and this life, are because of his kindness and love.

"And, darling, I will be loving you

'Til we're 70.

And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard
At 23..."

You often hear about how love feels and what it is. But what about when you realize that it has taken devastation, tragedy, the deepest hurt and damage to finally bring it into your life?

That love.

"And I'm thinking 'bout how

People fall in love in mysterious ways.

Maybe just the touch of a hand..."

There is love - hell, I tell my friends and family I love them daily - but then there is that love.

The one that comes naturally and develops in a way you did not expect but you realize was inevitable.

And I overthink now - but I think of all of the good things in my life now, the good things to come, all of the hope, promise, happiness and growth that is to happen.

And there he is in every single moment. From the first text of the day, his voice, his smile, his laugh, jokes, hockey, life in general, the pure, true happiness - I think of it all of the time. 

And when things are difficult he is the steady hand, the voice of reason, the sounding board that always has the best advice and helps. He just helps.

He has always helped.

"Well, me, I fall in love with you every single day,

And I just wanna tell you I am..."

Every day. Just when I think I cannot love him more it is a simple word, a look, a smile that opens my shuttered heart just one more notch.

'"Cause, honey, your soul

Could never grow old,

It's evergreen..."

From the first day we met he was the kindest soul I had known. Never in a million years did I ever think we would be here.

"And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind

And memory..."

That smile. That smile can turn around my worst day, my worst moment.

"I'm thinking 'bout how

People fall in love in mysterious ways,

And maybe it's all part of a plan.

Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes,

Hoping that you'll understand..."

Mysterious ways, indeed.

And the more my overthinking brain thinks, the more I see how much had to align for us to spend those nights talking, to be so comfortable together, to build that foundation of friendship and trust that is so, so important.

And how we both could have let everything that was falling around us take us out rather than thrive in the rubble of it all.

"That, baby, now,

Take me into your loving arms,

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars,

Place your head on my beating heart..."

But we did not.

And now, now I feel invincible. No longer does my brain funnel through everything I have done wrong or said wrong or failed at - now it cycles through the happiness, the fun, how fortunate I am, just how great things have happened and continue to happen.

How I can handle whatever life throws at me because I have survived, but I have only done so with him at my side and holding me up when I felt weak.

He has held me up for longer than both of us could have realized.

And I will always be grateful for that. 

He makes me the best version of myself. The best. The strongest. The happiest.

Who knew he was right there all along?

My friend, my goalie, my confidante.

That love.

"I'm thinking out loud

And maybe we found love right where we are..."