Wish That You Were Here...

I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to breathe.

Everything is like a weight crushing my chest while simultaneously ripping it apart from the inside.

And I swear if one more person tries to tell me time heals my brain might break.

A month.

A whole month without you.

Without your smile.

Your laugh.

Your jokes.

Your touch.

Your "nite nite."

A month.

Well, a month and two days, actually.

There are endless annals of quotes on love and grief that keep a steady stream on my timeline now yet nothing seems to even touch on the actual feeling of it all.

Not even groups and anecdotes from those who have also lost.

I cannot see how a grief counselor can help other than rehashing over and over the pain and screaming and crying while just wanting to know what in the actual hell could have ever aligned in the universe for all of this to happen.

Five seconds.

Five seconds earlier leaving the house.

Five seconds later.

Five seconds to grab a coat.

Five seconds to forget your keys.

And all would have been okay.

This living is agony.

It is hell.

And we always promised each other than when life got difficult we would help pull each other through.

Until someone stole you.

You didn't break that promise.

Someone else did.

Swept in like a cloud of tar that blackened everything.

You would always say, "It is what it is, Dwan."

But this should never be what it is.

I miss you.

And I love you.

And I wish that you were here.