It's Gonna Rain All Day

It feels like it is raining even when the sun shines.

I saw a quote today:

“There are people whose death leaves you with an ache of grief. A slight sting. And then there are people whose death stops time. Deaths that leave the sky murky all day long because even the sun is grieving.” 

And I felt that.

He was my sunshine.

How he loved sunny days and I would come home to all of the windows and doors open, likely Oasis blaring from the Bose speaker and Brad dancing around the kitchen with a rare beer exclaiming how damn good it was to be alive.

I don't think anything will ever feel alive again.

My house is supposed to close on the 20th.

I'm packing.

Slowly.

His bodywash and shaving cream in a bag because I can't bare for the bathroom to not smell like it.

That expensive shampoo he didn't need but insisted on using is there too.

His raincoat is being packed because mine was in the car -

Too much blood so it had to be thrown away.

Today was a work day followed by 2.5 hours of counseling.

And I always leave there feeling worse than when I went in.

Wounds ripped open like a premature bandaid being torn away.

My heart hurts, figuratively and literally.

I keep feeling the pain and thinking it is going to get bigger until I realize I don't think that's possible.

Where do I pack the sympathy cards?

Where is his Hurley hat?

I have the shirt he wore on our first lunch date.

He was thinking of throwing that one out but I wouldn't let him.

White with navy flowers and it was very Brad.

"Hi there, how are you?"

Tonight I packed the cookbooks I bought at the Beagle Paws auction because I loved cooking for us.

I never got to open them.

All of this is so overwhelming and every night I think nothing can possibly hurt worse than today did but every morning I wake up and realize everything hurts deeper than it did the day before.

How?

How can anything possibly hurt more than yesterday did?

But it does.

Staring up at that bank on Pitts as I stop at the lights on my way home.

Knowing he died there alone.

I promised he would never be alone.

But he was.

I couldn't keep that promise.

There is no longer sunshine, no matter what the forecast says.

Everything is cold.

And it will never, ever stop raining.

"It's gonna rain all day,
It's gonna rain all day,
With the life that I have made here
All covered up in gray.

It's gonna rain all day..."