"A simple souvenir of someone's kill..."

"And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me..."

Night time was our time.

We were done with work, meetings, conference calls, board meetings, volunteer Zooms, soccer and hockey and the gym.

And we would collapse on our big teal couch to turn on the TV to some British murder mystery and laugh as we told each other about our day.

But now the night brings the end of the day's push push push and everything that acts as cement to keep me together and keeps me going.

"I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing..."

And I wake up every morning trying to catch my breath.

I try to drag you from those dreams into my morning so you would be here again, snoring on your pillow as I roll over and hug you awake rather than me waking up, drenched and sweaty, holding your pillow that no doubt misses you like I do.

"And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty..."

I am.

I am afraid to sleep.

I am afraid you will not be there and that is the only reprieve I get from not having you on this earthly coil.

You are there most nights.

But the nights when you are not there I spend my dreaming hours looking, searching, wanting to find you.

"I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
How I'm breaking down..."

Someone save my life tonight.

"Like the sea
I'm constantly changing from calm to hell..."

Anxiety holds my chest hostage to the point where I can never tell if I'm losing my breath, succumbing to anxiety or if it is a heart attack.

In my current state I expect the probability of each to be as equal as can be.

Tomorrow. 

"Someone come and
Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
All the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be? This misery will suffice..."

Maybe the misery will suffice.

Maybe it will be the fuel I need to keep going.

Maybe I need to just set myself to get wrecked by what this is going to take and take from the energy reserves that I do not have.

But I need to find them.

I need to replenish them.

I will be there.

And I will draw from depleted reserves to make sure I stand tall.

"Madness fills my heart and soul
As if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down..."

But I will break down in my own house.

I will remain and I will be strong.

I will see it out.

And I am ready.