I'm here.

It has been a while, hive.

The therapeutic space where I could write, open my wounds and let them bleed, became a target, as most things do these days.

And so I bled in silence, for the most part of the past year or more.

Thank you to everyone who continued to reach out. Your messages always let me know that in the dismal reality that is every day on this cesspool we call social media there also exist many lights who shine through the cracks and keep breath in struggling lungs, at times when we feel like we are drowning.

So, here I am again -

Eyes open, wounds cauterized, a semblance of the person I used to be but, given what I know now about grief, loss, recovery and love - I do not want the person I was back.

And I am beginning to love who the woman is who emerged from the rubble, the one who was collateral damage.

"Nothing is the same, everything is a better change,
Sometimes I see silence in your eyes..."

Change.

That taboo concept that everyone both dreads and welcomes in the same breath.

So much has changed.

So many walls have come down.

"Let it all crash down,
When it ends, it begins with you..."

And when your eyes open for what feels like the first time in 2.5 years, there stands the person who helped carry you along more than he will ever know, even through his own hurt.

There for the beginning, the end and the new beginning.

Constant.

In retrospect, life is funny, that.

The kind, gentle soul who was always there to chat, laugh, talk about life and always try to help.

He helped and helps more than I can even put into text on this page.

I see a road forward now - a beaten pathway lined with the remnants of a fight to survive and be, cut through with pain and anger, and pure spite.

And it looks long but, in the grand scheme of things, it is but another trail to conquer.

I know we can and we will. 

This world seems a bit clearer now; the days brighter, the night times not so scary.

The monsters are no longer at the door.

And there is hope.

Every day I breathe it in and am thankful for having him in my life; not just for now, but for the years prior and for the years to come.

My bright light.

And in his eyes, his smile, his arms there is so much promise, so much to come. 

So much love.

I am sitting in this airport, the one where the worst moment on my life happened, and I feel peace.

Finally.

Finally.

These past few months have been a whirlwind and the days continue to be. When the dust settles, there he is.

"You took my life, turned it around,
You put my feet back on the ground.

I owe you, eternally..."

And this love - born from pain, hurt and pure devastation - means more to me than anything in the world.

I will make sure he knows every day.